BEHOLD

How losing my eyesight showed me how to see things in a different light

We all lead varied, busy lives, so many things going on at once it seems; wishes, needs, wants, to-do’s due “now.” We don’t have a priority, we have priorities which is a misnomer by definition. I was living in this same pattern when for absolutely no reason at all, I experienced flashing lights and “trash” obscuring the vision of my eye. I knew enough that this could be emergent, so I went to the ophthalmologist with concerns of a tear in my retina. This was indeed confirmed, and I was informed surgery was required the next day. That’s it. My plans, schedules- irrelevant if I wanted to keep my vision. How did this occur? No idea, but I would be required to be on “couch rest” for 1-2 weeks. Just like that, and I found myself missing a graduation, no travel to the mountains, and absolutely no flights for at least three weeks.

These sudden change-in-plans experiences are not unique to me, and the fact that I could have a surgery to save my vision remains remarkable. As the story continues though, I was told there was a high likelihood it would occur in the other eye as well. Why? Not sure, I was just “made that way.” I know of no one else “made this way,” but here I am. With the repairs came forced rest, change in routine, having to ask others to drive for a bit, get the groceries, and other to-do’s. Learning to navigate computer work was interesting to say the least. Healing occurred, but indeed, about six months later, I experienced a similar retinal tear event in the other eye, also non-provoked. Second surgery, again, so grateful, and humbled by another detour. Yet, in the midst of “getting on with it,” as I do not slow down very well, I really took notice. I was attending Mass at church, and the words “Behold” were pronounced as they always are. Hmmm, it is difficult to actually “behold,” and what does that truly mean anyway?

Behold: it is much more that just look. It is a command to pay intense, focused attention to something significant, divine, life-changing. In the instance of the celebration of the Mass, it was referring to Jesus Christ Body, Blood, Soul & Divinity in the consecrated eucharist. Do not just look, but behold. It requires one to pause in order to truly see, perceive and internalize. To ask someone to behold something is asking them look deeper, ponder, with the expected potential to lead to transformation. It is introducing a pivotal moment or profound truth. This I understood as it relates to the Mass, but I took those words deeper to also apply to other aspects of my life, and determine how it could empower and support others.

Behold-how to manage this when what I was seeing was physically all a blur. As my vision took time to heal again, I naturally became more aware of my surroundings- of balance, color, how fatigued my brain would get by the end of the day as it tried to navigate various stages of interpreting what it was “seeing” much less beholding. Some details I found to be significant, not to take for granted. Others, however, I put on the not necessary list. For example, after several routine follow up visits, I became acutely aware of the lighting and background music playing in the waiting room of the eye doctor’s office. Note to other practices: adjust your fluorescent lighting, given that most people waiting have dilated eyes. In addition, choose your background music wisely. No one needs to hear “Afternoon Delight” at 8:00am while pondering how long or to what degree this healing process would take.

I empathize with those who have lived with impaired vision for much longer than me, annoyed as I had to go right up within inches of the television to check on the score of the soccer match, or misjudged the door frame as I was leaving the house. And the patience- yes must come with the healing and couch rest. The detours or re-routing I have often recommend others should expect at various times in their healing journeys, I now had to live out.

I appreciate this though; not that we should have to live out each others illnesses, injuries, or experiences in order to empathize or understand how to support in the healing process. Instead, the appreciation is for my own growth. There is detachment required from so many things in this world (not necessarily a retinal detachment though) in order to really see, to “behold.”

Detachment from hustle culture, having to take the rest needed, to trust and detach from my plans- as well-meaning and virtuous as they may be. These may not necessarily be God’s plans, nor part of anyone else’s plans for that matter. My idealism to serve and support others is good, but timing and receptivity of others must be aligned as well. In addition, just because I may behold more now, have incorporated a different mindset and want to offer more, does not mean others want to or are ready to receive said insights. Humbling. GOOD, as Jocko Willink states. This is an opportunity to grow after being pruned, to actually do the work, and to dwell- to use another “old fashioned” word. To dwell or abide is allowing yourself to be really present in the moment, without an agenda, timeline, or “doing” anything. Being present is healing.

So as I continue to progress through this second retinal detachment recovery, feeling confident that I know how this goes, and truly trusting that it will “work out,” I notice that this time recovery is actually slower. The lens after the second surgery still appears from my vantage point as if I am looking out of one eye through a dirty fish bowl. “It may take time, see us in a month,” I am told in follow up. Noted. Clearly, more lessons to be learned, though again I am beyond grateful.

It does actually take time, so I am called again to focus on what is really important, how I can advance health habits that will support healing, to really live those out so I can share and support others who will experience detours. There is no “fault” here as the world will sometimes like to suggest. That would lead down a rabbit hole of feeling “robbed,” “not fair” which serves no healing purpose and is no longer in my vocabulary.

I can offer what I have “observed” during this time, yes pun intended. Will it be received with the genuine hope that I am presenting it with? Not necessarily, and that is not the point. We share the good or lessons of what we learn for the sake of empathizing or supporting another, not for a dopamine feedback. Does it raise the bar for me at least? Yes. Am I called to be more aware and patient? Yes. Do I fail at times? Of course, but I acknowledge, learn, and move forward once again. The only path to travel on now is that which has been presented as a gift, something to behold that leads to ongoing transformation.

How could I not share that and want the same for others? Wellness and healing is a journey which takes time, trust, some occasional re-routing, but always backed by a grateful, sincere community we offer in our practice.

Blessings,

Jill Castro, MD

Intentional Living Health & Wellness

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